Right Now, I'm Avoiding
I'm writing this instead of going to the gym.
There, I said it. The leadership coach who helps others unlock their potential is sitting here in resistance, choosing words over workout, knowing exactly what my body needs but somehow unable to bridge the gap between knowing and doing.
My running shoes mock me from across the room. My energy feels flat. I've exercised once this week—once—and it's already Thursday. I know that 30 minutes of movement would shift everything. I know I'll feel clearer, more alive, more like the person I want to be. I know this with the certainty that comes from years of experience.
And yet here I am, typing instead of moving.
If you're a leader reading this, you might recognize the feeling. That gap between the version of yourself you present to your team and the version wrestling with basic self-management behind closed doors. The space between knowing what would serve you and actually doing it.
I could have written you a polished piece about discipline mastery. But that would be a performance, not the truth. The truth is messier, more human, and hopefully more useful.
The Weight of the Leadership Mask
Here's what I've learned from coaching successful entrepreneurs and co-founders: the higher you climb, the heavier the mask of "having it together" becomes.
You're the one others look to for direction. You're supposed to have answers, systems, frameworks. You're meant to embody the growth and discipline you ask of your team. The pressure to appear consistent, motivated, and in control can become suffocating.
But what happens when you're having an off day? What about those moments when your own resistance feels bigger than your willpower? When you're the leader who needs leading?
I've sat across from incredibly successful people—CEOs running eight-figure companies, creative directors managing complex teams, entrepreneurs building magical products—who confess they sometimes can't get themselves to do the simplest things that would serve them. They'll optimize every aspect of their business while struggling to optimize their own basic routines.
The paradox is real: we can often lead others more easily than we can lead ourselves.
My Live Experiment in Real-Time Vulnerability
So let me try something different. Instead of hiding this struggle, let me use it.
I'm making this article my accountability partner. My commitment to you, reading this, is that by the time I finish writing and editing these words, I'll close my laptop and head to the gym. Not because I've magically found motivation, but because I'm willing to work with resistance instead of against it.
Already, something's shifting as I write this. The act of naming what's happening, of being honest about where I am instead of pretending to be somewhere else, is creating space. The heaviness in my chest is lightening slightly.
What I'm Learning About Energy and Honesty
When I work with leaders, I often start our sessions with a simple practice: clearing. "What needs to be acknowledged before we can focus on what matters most?"
It turns out that trying to lead from a place of pretense is exhausting. When you're spending energy maintaining an image of consistency while internally struggling with basics, you're operating with a massive energy leak.
But when you can be honest about where you actually are—not where you think you should be—something remarkable happens. The energy you were using to maintain the performance becomes available for actual movement.
Right now, as I write these words, I can feel my body relaxing. The resistance to exercise is softening. Not because I'm forcing it, but because I'm no longer fighting it.
Three Things I'm Remembering About Self-Leadership
1. Vision Still Matters, Even in the Mess
When I entered my relationship after years of being single, I had a clear vision: I wanted to be someone capable of deep partnership. This bigger picture helped me navigate moments when adjusting to shared life felt impossible.
The same applies here. My vision of myself includes being someone who honors their body, who moves regularly, who models vitality. When I connect with this bigger picture—not as a standard to beat myself up with, but as a north star—the actions start feeling less like obligations and more like expressions of who I'm becoming.
2. Accountability Can Be Creative
We think of accountability as external pressure—someone checking up on us, holding our feet to the fire. But accountability can also be intimate, creative, even gentle.
This article is becoming my accountability partner. The conversation I'm having with you, the commitment I'm making in real time, the willingness to be witnessed in my struggle—this is creating the container I need to move.
Sometimes the most powerful accountability isn't someone demanding you change, but someone willing to witness you exactly as you are.
3. Discipline as Self-Compassion
Will Smith once said something that reframed everything for me: "Discipline equals self-love."
When I think about going to the gym as self-compassion rather than self-improvement, everything changes. It's not about fixing what's wrong with me or forcing my body to comply with my goals. It's about caring for myself the way I would care for someone I deeply love.
From this place, exercise stops being punishment for not being disciplined enough and becomes a gift I give myself.
The Shift Happening Now
I can feel it changing as I write. The resistance is transforming into something like curiosity. What would it feel like to move my body right now? What would happen if I trusted that the energy I need will meet me in motion rather than waiting for it to arrive before I begin?
This is the kind of self-leadership that translates into effective leadership of others. When you can be honest about your own humanity while still moving toward what matters, you create permission for your team to do the same.
When you can navigate your own resistance with patience instead of violence, you model a different way of engaging with challenges.
When you can love yourself forward instead of pushing yourself around, you create the conditions for others to access their own intrinsic motivation.
The Commitment
I'm finishing this sentence and closing my laptop. I'm going to the gym now—not because I've overcome resistance, but because I've worked with it. Not because I feel like it, but because it's an expression of the person I'm choosing to become.
The most profound leadership isn't about having it all figured out. It's about being willing to work with what is, to be honest about the journey, and to take the next right step even when—especially when—you don't feel ready.
[Update after returning: 45 minutes of Zone 2 training. The energy is completely different now. Lighter. Clear. Grateful. The resistance feels like a distant memory, replaced by the natural vitality that was always available underneath.]
Your Turn
The next time you find yourself in negotiation with your own resistance—whether it's about having that difficult conversation, starting that project, or simply taking care of yourself—try this:
Stop pretending you're somewhere other than where you are. Name what's actually happening. Use your honesty as fuel rather than hiding from it.
Find an accountability partner—human, creative, or otherwise—that meets you in your struggle rather than demanding you transcend it.
Remember that the goal isn't to become someone who never experiences resistance, but someone who can dance with it skillfully.
What would change in your leadership if you brought this level of honesty to your own growth edges? What becomes possible when you stop performing having it together and start practicing working with what is?
The world needs leaders who are human, not perfect. Leaders who can model how to move forward while still figuring it out.
This essay was featured in Issue 005: The Sacred Architecture of Discipline. Read the Full Publication
Marc Engel is a contributing writer for The Sacred Business Writer’s Collective focused on helping creative professionals overcome barriers to authentic self-expression. You can follow him on Substack here.
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Loved reading the somatic cues around noticing the shift in your body and how it correlated with the shift in your mind. My favorite leaders have led with vulnerability and been open to sharing their process, like this!